It took me 10 years to solve one major mathematical problem.

Fourth grade was a terrible, awful, no-good year!

Okay, I’m being hyperbolic—but, it was the year that I was asked to stand in front of the class, pick up a piece of chalk and solve a mathematical problem. It was some sort of multiplication or long division or, as far as I was concerned, the most difficult mathematical problem ever created!

To this day working with numbers sends a heart-stopping fear through me that I can’t explain, other than just sheer panic. And needless to say, I try to avoid mathematics at all cost, which is not ideal…my husband is forever bewildered that I never check if I’ve received the proper change after paying for something. It’s also the reason I’ve embraced weChat and other electronic forms of payments (Why wouldn’t I? It does the math for me!).

I know that soon enough the day will come that Charlie will ask for help with her maths homework (Cue: The Imperial March.)…and she’ll realise that Mathematics is my kryptonite. This poses the following problems:

1. I won’t have the confidence to help her or, more likely, still try to help her and fail and ultimately, let her down—which is my actual biggest fear.

2. I’ll eventually have to admit that I never bothered to “face my fear” and avoided it instead of actually trying harder to learn mathematical concepts (because let’s be honest, your annoying math teacher was right, we use mathematics everyday!).

3. All the times I encourage her to persevere telling her to “keep going” and to “try again” and all the occasions I try to promote resilience and foster positive learning dispositions…they will all be lies. It would be hypocritical to call myself a role model.

How can I urge her to persevere when trying to solve a difficult math problem and when I never did?

I can’t, unless I can honestly model it.

This is the one major mathematical problem I am solving in my life.

Because I am resilient.

(And the Internet will teach me…privately, and in the comfort of my own bed where nobody ever has to know how many times I panicked, cried and hit the reset button!)

Daria Morgendorffer helps me parent. Yes, that Daria. 

I’m lying inside a giant box.

No, that’s not some weird metaphor. I am literally lying inside a giant box.

Why? Because when our new fridge arrived the other day, my first thought was, “Charlie’s going to love this box.” And yep, I was right. Now I’m lying inside the giant box as she sleeps sweetly, cuddled into me because, “Mama sleep in box, please,” completely melted my heart. And when your daughter melts your heart. You just can’t say no.

So, as I lie here (at 03:35 am because apparently, my body doesn’t like sleep) I am thinking about the box and why I thought of Charlie when most adults would be excited about the new fridge. (Is it that my brain is now incapable of thinking about anything beyond Charlie? Possible). But then I remembered…Boxing Daria.

For those unfamiliar, Daria was an animated show in the 90s–created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis–and for me, undeniably the best show ever created. Now don’t get confused, animated, yes–but certainly not your typical cutesy, Disney variety (I LOVE those too!). Daria was produced by MTV for a teen audience and it had all your typical teen angsty goodness with a touch of humor. It also spawned my love of satire. In the “Boxing Daria” episode, she finds comfort in a refrigerator box during a difficult time in her early years (thus, me lying in a giant box with my kid). 

While not hugely positive, Daria’s perspectives of the world around her enabled me to explore ideas that challenged social norms and pop culture. I feel like my individualist values are due to her refusal to conform to societal norms. (I’m really putting a lot of stock in a fictional character. Noooot entirely sure what to make of that.)

In my nine years of living in China (It was only supposed to be six months! Yikes!), I’ve witnessed, heard about and experienced for myself cases where people told me what to do and how to do it. I was told how to behave, how I should look, what to eat, what to drink, and what to wear, and what it means to be female and male, and what it means to belong in this society. I’m not saying, this is only in China. I know this happens everywhere. But because of China’s collectivist culture, individualism is not highly valued. There are so many societal pressures and to step away from the norm is just not acceptable here. For some people, at least. But with that, it is also getting a bit better. I still wouldn’t call it progressive, but there are sparks of hope every now and then (Yay, China!)

It’s 06:00 am now and I’m reminiscing about a cartoon (I can almost feel your eye roll…get to the point already). Anyway, so it got me thinking…Daria was socially awkward, completely pessimistic and wasn’t always pleasant to her peers. She was an outlier, yet despite all that, she remained true to herself and it made her resilient. At the end of the day, this is really all I want for Charlie.

I’m excited to watch Daria with Charlie (I mean when she’s 12). It will probably seem so ancient to her by that time, but considering my values are still the same…perhaps, Daria was onto something way back in the 90s.

Case in point, there is so much truth to this response to a question about her goals in life.

(I took this image from Buzzfeed.)

Why an elastic band on my wrist is helping my child become more resilient!

 

Be honest.

 

Have you ever gone a single day without complaining?

 

Okay, I’ll own up. I’m constantly complaining. I know…we all complain. But there are days that I just feel myself being sucked into a rabbit hole—sometimes I just complain in support of friend’s complaints. Either way, it’s all negative energy that I do not need in my life. As Charlie’s role model, I would like to set a good example. I certainly would hate for ‘complaining’ to become one of her learned behaviours. Coincidentally, my (totally amazing) Mother-in-Law sent me this quote by Robert Fulghum, and boy was it a truth bomb! “Don’t worry that children don’t listen to you; worry that they are watching you.” This is now firmly in the memory bank to be accessed whenever I feel myself about to say or do something I would hate for Charlie to mimic.

 

Case in point:

 

“Why do I have to read about politics in my studies? It’s so stupid!” I groaned loudly slamming my textbook down. Then like a ninja Charlie appeared and parroted, “Sssstoopid.” (Shame, Shame!) On the one hand, I perfectly demonstrated the point of the quote above; on the other hand, I also displayed a negative attitude toward learning. Not to mention, a rather pessimistic outlook. What was the point? Complaining about the content didn’t change the fact I still had to read (and write) about it. Needless to say, if one complains endlessly, the action is then normalised and the child accepts this behaviour as an example to follow. Consequently, when the child begins to complain the adult will most likely respond negatively. What does this mean for their development? Well, the interactions they have with those around them will shape the way they view themselves. The child’s self-concept is developed through the relationships fostered during the early childhood years—modifying it as they gain approval or disapproval from those around them.

 

As a parent, one of my (million) parenting goals is to ensure that Charlie grows up being resilient. Resilience provides young children with the effective emotional tools to overcome challenges during the course of their life, which enables them to persevere despite any difficulties they may encounter (“Thanks, Captain Obvious!” Bear with me, there is a point.)

 

What is the easiest, most obvious way to help children develop resilience?

 

Let’s turn to Mahatma Gandhi, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.” What does that mean? That means you should always model the behaviour you wish your child to repeat. (Cue Epiphanius music.)

 

So, here comes the point…

 

I’m not saying that parents should never let their child see them complain (We’re only human, after all.). What I am saying is that parents should employ that frustration to problem-solve. In doing so, even if you’re feeling pretty crummy, you’re actively demonstrating resilience and modelling a positive disposition. So, in hindsight, I should have said, “I really dislike politics, but I understand that it’s necessary and reading this information will enable me to form an educated opinion.” (Hindsight is a wonderful thing, amirite?)

 

So, what does this have to do with me hurting myself intentionally with an elastic band?

 

My husband came home last week, he had been listening to one of his many podcasts and he suggested we try the 21-Day No-Complaint Challenge. Essentially, you have to wear an elastic band around your wrist and go without a single complaint for 21 days. Consecutively. It’s all about metacognition and conditioning yourself to recognise when you’re being negative. What happens if you forget and complain? Place the elastic band on your other wrist and start over. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong. I started on Tuesday and failed three times before 10:30 am. Then I thought, No worries, Wednesday will be Day 1. Wrong again. So, here I am it’s 6:30 am on Thursday, 25th of May, 2017 and I pledge to go without complaining for 21 days…(I will not give up, even if it takes me months and months, because RESILIENCE!)

 

How about you, are you up for the challenge?